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| rOadtrip |
| 06.19.08 (5:13 pm) [edit] |
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Kayla is still in the hospital. We are asking to take her home on Monday. Dennis is going to make some deliveries for an auctioneer friend of his. He has several clocks that need to be delivered. First stop Maryland then on to North Carolina, South Carolina and 3 stops in Florida and then up to Kentucky.
We've decided to make a vacation out of this. It may be a h-u-g-e mistake but hey I need a break and I think a change of scenery will do us all good. I did make Den promise to do at least one fun thing in each state. He is a work-a-holic! He said fine. I would love to see the Outer Banks.
Today was Keelys' Moving Up Day it was very nice. She's now a 1st grader! Derricks' 7th grade Awards Ceremony is next Wed. a.m. but it looks like we will be out of town by then. The good news is that we do not have to rush we are on our own schedule which is nice.
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| why is life so out of control? |
| 06.06.08 (10:43 am) [edit] |
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I'm wiped out this week! 3 appointments alone at Four Winds with Kaylas' therapist Dr. Joe. Dennis went to every session - too little too late? Probably. Dr. Joe knows us very well he's been Kaylas' therapist a few times and Derricks' too when he was an in-patient at Four Winds.
Hamptonburgh House still wants Kayla even though she's currently in-patient at FourWinds! They said she could be transferred from FW directly to Hamptonburgh upon her discharge. Dennis is not having that.
Look I do NOT want Kayla out of the house it's bad enough that she is in and out of the hospital but what Dennis needs to ask himself is what's best for Kayla? Kayla has been with Waiver services through Parsons (highest level of care/services available without being put in a hospital) for 15 months now. Usually the progam is to stabilize a person so they do not have to go in and out of the hospital. With Kayla she's already over budget as they say and here is a very telling fact of the 15 months in Waiver Kayla has been an in-patient for 150 days at Four Winds in total. So what is that telling you?
Hamptonburgh House is the best place for Kayla once she is stabilized on her meds. Did I sound convinced there myself? I feel like life is spining out of control here more so than usual and it's very overwhelming. Dennis and I need to be UNITED and we are not.
Where will this all go? When will the madness end? What is going to happen before something breaks? I'm worried but I'm praying very hard and trying to keep faith and pray for strenght to get through this.
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| much the same |
| 06.02.08 (9:35 pm) [edit] |
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Derrick got the results of his NYSSMA solo and he scored only 17 out of 28. That's disappointing because he knows his music he just will not practice. He said that he only got 1 scale out of 4 - he totally blanked on the scales he said the judge was so nasty he just wanted to finish and get out. He did very well on the sight reading piece. I can't wait to get the actual judges' score sheet paper the orchestra teacher Miss K gets it and we are given a copy from her. Der said the judge did have some positive points written down - thank God for that.
I am so tired tonight. Derrick has not been sleeping so I hear him moving around and then I can't get to sleep.......
Kayla had a good day, although the nurse told me on the phone today that Kayla was hearing "alot of voices" I said well change her medication! The Clozaril is NOT working and it's been 6 months let's try a different medication. The big news was that Dr. Lore who had been Kays' psychiatrist at Four Winds is gone! Yup no longer works for FWinds! What's with that? The hospital is pretty tip lipped about the situation. Dennis, Derrick and I have a "family meeting" tomorrow at FWinds w/Kayla and Dr. Joe her therapist. I love him he's great and he knows us as a family so well. I'm really very comfortable with him and so is Kayla.
Well I'm hoping that Dr. Joe will also give Derrick a very good looking over to see if he needs a hospital admission right now. I swear if someone does not do something soon for Derrick we are going to be in a hell of a mess!
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| waiting is tough |
| 06.01.08 (9:22 am) [edit] |
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Saturday we did the NYSMMA thing for Derrick and the judge that he had was rough - what a grouch! OMG my son is 13 and a Level 4! Most of the level 4s' are in high shool and have had private lessons their whole lives. Derrick said the judge kept muttering low under his breath but Der was pretty sure that when he asked Der to play the E Major scale? and Der kind of blanked out that as soon as he started to play it the judge said "that was a mess"!
Oh well we can't protect our kids from the world but these judges should give their honest opinions but in a nice way don't you think? Derrick is the kind of kid that pushes himself he has OCD and he is tough enough on himself. He felt horrible all day yesterday not bad just horrible all day and night over this "score" which we did not even get because I could not find his orchestra teacher she was all over the place and the judge was rude and was running over with all his kids by 15 minutes so we will just have to wait until Monday for his score.
I'm going to see Kayla today with Keely. Derrick can't go because it's the annual Strawberry Festival at Mohonasen and the entire music program plays at different times during the day. Derick would have to play when it's time to visit Kayla so my mom will just bring him over and wait until he's done and then maybe get something good to eat - something with strawberries of course! lol
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| Derricks' gOing to NYSSMA! |
| 05.31.08 (8:36 am) [edit] |
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I'm so excited for Derrick. Today is NYSSMA the New York State Solo Music Assoc. event (it's held every year) and it's an optional thing for kids, young adults who sing or play an insturment to go and play a piece (violin for Der) and scales for a judge, you then get a very lenghty report/score on how you did all areas.
Derricks' never had private lessons and I'm so proud of him because he's only been playing since 4th grade and he's now in 7th. This year will be his 3rd year plaing at NYSSMA and he's already a level 4! It only goes to level six which my niece Marissa plays and she's in 10th gr. and been playing since 4th with private lessons!
Anyway this year it's closer to home than last year. It moves all over NY State for all the participants, this year there are 3,500 participating in NYSSMA.
We are in for a nasty storm later this a.m., high winds, damaging hail and the like. We will probably just come home after NYSSMA and go see Kayla tomorrow. I try to go see her every other day. It's about 45 minutes to Four Winds from our house which is not too bad it's all driving on the Northway so it's a smooth ride just busy during the summer months with everyone heading to the Lake George, Lake Champlain and Saratoga.
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| Kaylas' pain |
| 05.29.08 (12:12 am) [edit] |
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Kaylas' back in the hospital. She's been very depressed and would not get out of bed all day Saturday or yesterday. I mean she only got up once to go to the bathroom Tuesday and then around 2:00 pm to eat a bowl of cereal. Finally at 4:00 I heard Derrick talking softly to her about taking a shower and washing her hair. He was so sweet he said I'll pick out clean clothes for you and you'll feel better!
The voices have increased and really intensified for her too. I insisted to all the staff at Four Winds they need to get her off the Clozaril and get her on a medication that will diminish the number of these voice right down to just one if possible. One is bad enough but dealing with 10 or more people telling you to kill yourself of they will come to your house and kill you. Imagine the pain poor Kayla is going through. She has mild MR too so she's not able to really tell you exactly how she's feeling but you know she's in obvious pain.
Well I'm praying that this time Four Winds will get it right for my daughter. She's 16 years old and has never really had a day of peace or any kind of a "normal" life.
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| my uncles' "apperance" |
| 05.25.08 (4:59 pm) [edit] |
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I had a very weird experience yesterday which caused me to think really hard about what I believe in. Dennis parents' were having their annual Memorial Day weekend sale and Derrick was working for them so I went up for the day to help out as well with Keely. Kayla stayed in bed almost all day as she's depressed again and later went over to my parents for the day.
There was a man that came to the sale and my first thought was OMG he looks just like "Uge" my deceased Uncle George. He was my second father Uncle George my moms' baby brother. He came to live with us for a number of years after his divorce. He has one child Michael who used to visit us and Uncle George regulary until he got married and now he has 5 kids. Michael does still come to the states to visit and he brings his wife, the kids and Aunt Fuji.
When Uge died that was more than devasting to me and my kids, as well as my mom and sisters. Uge was too fun, and full of life to go so quickly. He lived a good life though but he was not sick, he started to feel not so great at our annual family reunion July 4th and he was gone on December 20th, 2003. He had liver cancer. Now I have a strong faith and I know that when you die you will go to Heaven, hopefully if God forgives us all of our sins which I believe he will.
Anyway life really changed for all of us when Uncle George was battling the cancer and it was claiming him so quickly. My mom still is not really past this death and I have to say neither am I. I go to the cemetary very often with Dennis and the kids and I know that Uge is not really there that his Spirit is in Heaven but I always feel his presence at the cemetary. I usually smell his cologne just a bit of it in the air or his cigarette smoke but the kids smell it too it's kind fo comforting.
My Uncle ws a proud Veteran just like my Dad and all my Uncles. He was in 2 wars and he was truly just an amazing man in life. My Aunt Fuji and he remained friends until the day he died and she came over with Michael,his wife and the kids and my parents and I and my sisters, the entire family got together it was wonderful yet very sad. Mike, Aunt Fuji and the kids have been her 2 times since Uncle George died.
So what a shock to my system when I see this man at my in-laws sale who really could have passed as my Uncles twin. He had the same exact glasses (the lens' even got darker in the sun) like my uncles, he had on the same cologne, and 2 rings on his right hand like Uncle George wore. It was kind of weird, spooky too. Derrick and I were so upset/shocked that we were speechless. I had Derrick get my camera/phone and take a picture of this man from a side angle (I pretended to have Derrick take this pic. of a picture hanging on the wall for sale in the garage) this man was there for a LONG time he looked right at Denny - straight in the eye it was werid, he never once looked at me, Derrick or Keely.
This morning I went to look at the picture Derrick took - very creepy/spooky but the picture only shows like a yellow spot (the man had a yellow sweater over his white Polo shirt) just like Uge would have worn for golfing and the picture was like a cloud that's the only way I can describe it. I thought OMG I saw the picture yesterday that Der took and it was okay when we first looked at it. Today it's like distorted beyond a face? What's with that?
Well it may sound crazy but I swear that was my Uncle and he's like some kind of Angel in Heaven now. No I'm not crazy but I now believe in Angels and Spirits and I think they may pay us a visit to let us know we are still being watched over by them. I've read many stories (which I thought at the time were hokey) where people would say they'd seem someone who helped them from an accident, whatever and when medical personnel arrived the person was gone. I asked my mom if that could be true she said well I suppose it's possible.
Believe what you will but I'm sure my Uncle was here and now I'm wondering the purpose of his appearance? I will never doubt again.
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| an award and he was not even there! |
| 05.21.08 (11:33 pm) [edit] |
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Tonight was the music awards ceremony at the high school and Select Orchestra as well. Derrick was never in Select until this year (it's mostly for h.s. students) so he did not know about this and when he was told about the awards ceremony didn't think anything of it. He just forgot about it.
Tonight Denny, Derrick, Keely and I went out to a nice dinner, Kay was at my parents. We get home after picking up Kayla and I play all my messages as soon as walk in Mare my big sis called and said "Kath it's Mare where were you tonight? why weren't you at the awards ceremony? You'd better call me I have something to tell you!" I'm fuming mad now as I know that Mare has been doing the whole orchestra thing with her daughter since 4th grade and she's now in 10th plus Mare had called me earlier and she knows how stressful it's been here. Why didn't she just remind me of he awards ceremony?
My mom called my sister and she asked where was Kathy tonight and my moms' like I don't know why,yada yada and Mare said well at the ceremony Derricks' orchestra teacher called his name because he got an AWARD! Then sis goes on to say well didn't Der remember? it's on the school calendar doesn't Kathy look at that?
Like I have nothing else to do right? I give up!
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| get help do not do anything stupid! |
| 05.18.08 (10:13 pm) [edit] |
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Well I have alot to say but I'm not in a great mood so I had better not put down what's really on my mind. I've read some posts lately that have been very disturbing to me. I do not comment so I will not offend people however silence is not always the best answer.
My 16 yr. old daughter is a "cutter" I hate the term but that's what she is and does to feel something. Kayla is diagnosed schizo-affective disorder bi-polar type. Yes she hears voices telling her to kill herself DAILY not only does she live with the constant voices in her head but she also has visual hallucinations as well. Right now the doctors have her on Clozaril (which is supposed to be a "miracle" drug when it works) taking away voices. It does NOT work for Kayla but she's been on so many different meds. over the years her psychiatrist is not sure what to do with her next.
Suicide is a quick answer to a life long problem that is what my daughters therapist told me. I have a problem with the whole suicide topic because obviously it's disturbing and FINAL but also because I'm so afraid that is how I will lose my daugther. All I can do is pray that Kayla will be okay I can't live my life in fear anymore because it's crippling me. I have to help Kayla and the best way to do that at this time is to send her to Hamptonburgh House. They are trained to deal with teens like Kayla with severe mental health problems schizo-affective disorder, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder.
Tomorrow Tara R. is coming up to our house from downstate to visit and get to know us and Kayla and see if she's a "match" for their program. Dennis is not down for this. He is not wanting to send her away for help. I don't want her gone from my house for a day let alone a year, however she needs this higher level of care right now. I pray for strenght because I'm fast losing faith in all that I once believed in. I'm trying to remain strong but's it very difficult.
Derrick my son is very depressed and stressed to the max. This situation with Kayla is very stressful for me and I'm an adult. Derricks' grades are coming down! He's lost all interest in school and give up his violin. He never smiles and he is always nasty and cranky. That's awful my poor Buddy he's only 13 he too deserves a better life than this. First Kayla and now Derrick! Why am I being tested?
If anyone is thinking about suicide out there please call someone a suicide prevention hotline, friend,teacher, priest just ask for help and don't do anything that will only hurt those who love you. Remember it solves nothing and only causes a lifetime of hurt and pain for those you leave behind!
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| when times are tOugh...stick tOgether! |
| 05.15.08 (10:20 pm) [edit] |
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Monday the director of Hamptonburg House is coming to our home for an informal interview with me, Kayla and her social worker. Dennis probably won't be home he will not talk to me about this possible placement for Kay. It is only temporary just to give her help in dealing with her illness. Next we go to Goshen to visit and check the house out and then Kayla would stay overnight there. If they feel Kayla would fit in their program they are looking to take her in mid-summer whatever that means.
I feel kind of wiped out. I've been talking to all the doctors, social workers, mental health workers that I know and have worked with Kayla what they think and everyone says this placement is what Kayla needs. Why then won't Dennis even talk about this? It is not easy for me to even think about Kayla going almost 2 hours from home to live for one year! It's not like I'm giving up on her but rather getting her the best possible care and treatment she can receive. In the long run this one year will probably be the best year for her. Think of the confidence she will gain and all the skills she will learn living in this "home" like environment with all that support staff looking out for her and helping her.
She will be coming home for visits and we can visit her, call her. I can not understand Dennis and we've been married 19 years now. I believe that the harder things are the stronger we have to be and Dennis and I should be united and showing the kids we are together in this and we will see Kayla through this. Instead we are not talking or he talks to me but refuses to mention Monday. The kids therapist Dana called today and asked me what will I do if Dennis is not on board with this? I said well I guess I have to move forward alone with the kids.
I've tried to keep our family together so why does it feel like it's all falling apart now?
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| the party went well |
| 05.10.08 (9:53 pm) [edit] |
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The birthday party for Dennis' cousin today went very well. She was surprised and you all know how hard it is to keep a surprise party a secret!
My mother-in-law turned her back on me and my kids when we walked in. I was the bigger person and went right up to her and said hello and gave her a kiss on the cheek. My kids kissed her and said hello. After that I went right around the room to everyone and said my hellos' then we ate and listened to music. The band was very good. Some people danced not too many though, I kind of felt bad that more people didn't dance but it's like a wedding you know no one wants to be the first one on the dance floor. Everyone really seemed to have a good time. Today the weather was actually very nice and the kids were so good they colored and did puzzles and games at one table and made Mothers' Day cards. After that they played outside for a long time.
My kids were tired tonight. No one fought me to go to bed which is a sign they really are tired! Poor Kayla heard voices today but I helped her to use her coping skills to get rid of some of them. She had a few moments where she became overwhelmed but that's to be expected.
Tonight though Kayla found a razor and cut her arm pretty badly. She said she just wants to die. I'm keeping a close watch on her and will be calling her therapist and psychiatrist Monday morning. I pray tomorrow is a better day for her.
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| changes,out the door -Den & Happy Mothers' Day |
| 05.10.08 (9:28 am) [edit] |
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Today the kids and I have a birthday for a relative on there dads' side of the family. Oh what fun this should be. The only reason I am attending is because Dennis' aunt Jo asked me to go. I love her she's only 7 years older than me and she really loves Dennis and I and my kids. His parents and brother are mean and nasty but his Aunt Jo loves us and has a kind, generous heart so how could I say no? Well I did lol but she insists that I go for awhile. She did invite Dennis' mom and brother hopefully they will not show. She is really mean and bitter and doesn't even talk to the kids (her own grandkids) or I.
Derrick's school called me Thursday they are very concerned about him, his appearance has changed, he lied to a teacher, left class, is not eating, did not do a 2nd ET (essential task) for his Honors ELA class and this is all HUGE - not like Derrick at all. He also has given up playing his violin and did not go to his Spring Concert! His guidance counselor (Deb) was so concerened when she called me and told me all this that she asked if I would mind letting their school social worker Larry "assess" my son. He's a Crisis mental health worker as well at Ellis Hospital. She promised to call me Friday after Larry talked with Derrick and let me know if I needed to bring him to Ellis for a full pscy. evaluation.
I wait home all day - NO PHONE call from Deb! I called her and her secretary said "can I tell her who's calling please" I say sure Kathy Warren and she puts me on hold for 2 minutes, comes back and said "Deb is busy at the moment would you like her voicemail" no I would not! I called Derricks' private therapist Dana she will see him first thing on Tuesday but if I have any big concerns to call her anytime she's on call for crisis all weekend.
Kayla is back to talking about killing herself. It's been a horrible week! Really tough. Dennis is not supportive at all. We will not make it through this there is too much hurt and anger between us. I am just doing what is best for Kayla (placing her in Hamptonburgh House for a year) and Dennis can't get over his own guilt and anger and he threatens me that "if you place your daughter for a year, I will be gone!" oh well I finally give up trying to talk, reason and get him to LISTEN to me about what is best for Kayla, not me or Dennis but what is best for Kayla?
Listen sometimes when life is spinning out of control and you just can't stop it I believe you have to put a positive face on and say well I've tried everything I possibly can to help my daughter, it's not enough at this point. I can not live with this guilt so let it go. She is only going 90 minutes away from here. Yes it's for 1 year but she will be learning skills for life and living with 6 other girls who have the same problems as her all these girls have severe mental health illnesses just like Kayla. Hamptonburgh House is the answer to what's best for Kayla? Maybe now I can focus on Derrick and his depression and my beautiful little Keely who is only 6 and cries all the time and seems very insecure and sad all the time. The poor kid who can blame her? Life is difficult here right now and I can barely get through it and I'm an adult so how can Keely deal with this at the age of 6?
Happy Mothers' Day to all the moms' out there. I am so thankful to God that I have the most loving, caring and supportive mom/grandma to my kids out there. I love you mom and thank God for you and Dad everyday!
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| i can't believe it! |
| 05.03.08 (8:28 pm) [edit] |
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Well next time my son tells me not to pick a movie I will listen to him! I watched "Bridge to Terabithia" sp? anyway what a joke, the damn movie made me cry! Here I need a good laugh a feel good family movie so I pick this thing and Derrick, Keely and I watch this thing and OMG I'm horrified that they kill one of the main characters the beautiful girl Leslie. This is a kids movie?
I'm more depressed then ever! Jeez man I have to go take a Xanax now! Keels was so sad and Derrick kept saying "oh she's not dead, she can't be dead, watch mom" and s.o.b the girl is DEAD. What is this? I need a pick me up holy crap. I think I've been scarred for LIFE!
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| I'm going to LOTD! |
| 04.30.08 (9:43 pm) [edit] |
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Dennis came home tonight with 2 tickets to Michael Flatelys' Lord of the Dance! It's tomorrow night in Albany. I've seen him before in LOTD when he was at the Times Union Center way back when, like 7 years ago. What a show!
I'm so happy about this. My mom is going to come over here to watch the kids because it's a school night or else I'd just bring them to her house.
We never get out alone and I'm almost speechless folks, which is amazing as I'm never at a loss for words! lol The last time we actually went out for a really nice evening just the 2 of us was for "Phantom of the Opera", 2 year ago at Proctors. It was so amazing Dennis really didn't want to go buy was a real sport about it as I was over the moon with the 2005 "Phantom" movie with Gerard Butler what a hottie and Emmy Rossum. Anyway I got the best seats I could 3rd row on the floor, center. We had the 2 end seats which was nice. Well let me tell you when that chandler went up in the beginning we thought we'd die it looked like it was going to plunge down on us. That was a night to remember.
Think I'll go have my nails done and then off to church as it's a Holy Day. Mom had to call to remind me! I'm off to try to get some sleep.
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| when will it get better? |
| 04.30.08 (5:21 pm) [edit] |
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My nephew called me Monday night, he's definitely staying in Boston for the Summer. He's got a job right on the BU campus/housing his current part-time job at Dunkin' Donuts and he's going to all the hospitals to see about volunteering but most have all the paid help and volunteers they need for Summer.
Too many changes for me Kayla probably going to Hamptonburgh House, Derrick always nasty and mean, Alan not even coming home. I was looking forward to him driving me around this Summer he only has his permit but really needs to get his license. Well all you can do is support his decision. He told me that he really needs to get "out of his comfort zone" and he can do that in Boston and not here at home. My sister who I love but can hardly ever understand doesn't seem too upset that Alans' not coming home. She said Kathy when they go off to college they are not yours anymore.
I'm trying to be positive here but something always keeps pulling me down. Dennis won't even talk about Hamptonburgh House reps. coming here to our house to interview us/Kayla and tell us about their program. He said if I let Kayla go to that place for a year he's gone.
I better keep the faith. It's hard sometimes. I seem to be questioning and second guessing everything and everyone lately. I feel like this is another "test" that I have to pass or something, yet there is no winner and I don't get any prize or even really feel good about any of this "mess" that I call my life. I'd better cheer up and give myself a good kick in the seat of the pants and just suck it up and move on.
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| what an experience! |
| 04.28.08 (9:26 pm) [edit] |
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OMG like my niece would say I went for a pedicure today and what an awesome experience I had. Those chairs that you sit in massage you and the whole whirlpool experience was so relaxing I thought I'd fall asleep! lol My friend recommended this spa - it's so clean and it has no salon smells you know that nasty smell of the acrylic nails. The give you anything you want to drink and tasty chocolates I had a great time!
Dennis was supposed to be home in time to watch the kids. He called me last minute and I had to run the kids over to my mom and dads house. She watched them for me.
My nephew called tonight from Boston he's in his first year at BU and he is staying in Boston for the Summer. I'm so sad about that. Alan is my oldest nephew (the first born) he and I are really close. With Kayla going to Hamptonburgh House and Derrick on PINS all these decisions I've had to make on my own, it really hurts that now Alan won't be here. It looks like he is coming home for Mothers' Day and then he's back to college. I'm so proud of him though he will be working at the BU campus offices, working for Dunkin' Donuts, band and drumline and keeping his own apartment not to mention volunteering at one of the local hospitals. He wanted Boston Childrens' but they are turning volunteers away as they have too many! He will make a wonderful doctor one day.:)
The flowers I bought yesterday got a good soaking today, rain tomorrow too. It's turned cold here in the North East. We were spoiled with 2 weeks of sun and warm temperatures. Looks like rain each day this week. Oh well the grass will look great when all is said and done.
I'm off to bed early. I have a meeting tomorrow for Derrick and I didn't sleep at all last night. I usually watch a bit of You Tube if I can't sleep and my latest movie that I can't get enough of is "North and South" wow what a movie. I love a great period drama which ends happily.
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| the last straw |
| 04.28.08 (12:31 am) [edit] |
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Well I have not written lately because things are not going well here. What's new? Kayla my oldest has been cutting again. When her therapist asked where did she get a razor from I said it's a BIC disposable one. I thought they were all thrown away but she had a few hidden in her room. The therapist was all over me like a cheap suit, Kathy you know how dangerous a razor can be for Kayla and it could be negligence if you leave them around the house!
I jumped her a*& real good! I said look Dana we do not have a pen, pencil, knife either butter knives or steak knives in my house. Kayla takes a CD and breaks one if she needs to cut. She finds things you wouldn't even think to hide. I have a locked box for all the meds. I'm trying to keep her safe but she is going to do herself harm if she wishes to. It's a sad fact but it's true. Lately Kayla has been taking coins, erasers (the small ones that go on pencils) and puts them in her mouth to choke if she can't cut!
The first week of May the people from Hamptonburgh House are supposed to come to our home to meet us and Kayla and interview her to see if she would "fit" into their program. I'm praying to God she does. It's hard to have her leave home and go away for a year but I'm wiped out and trying to do all this on my own. I have 2 other children and Derrick is going through his own hell. He's given up his music completely, gotten an INC (incomplete) on his report card for his Honors E.L.A. class. He is not doing any homework. His attitude sucks in plain English. Keely needs some attention from me but the other 2 are so demanding!
Dennis just works, all the time and when he's home he doesn't help me. Oh boy it looks like he and I will not weather this storm. This is the last straw.
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| sports for the children or the parents? |
| 04.14.08 (10:00 pm) [edit] |
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I wanted to get Keely my youngest into a sport early, she's 6 yrs. old. The tee ball was very involved and no wonder Mohonasen girls softball is apparently #1 and they intend to keep it that way. So I ask the question who wants the sport and winning more the kids or parents?
Keely brought home a form regarding Pop Warner football/cheerleading. Okay this sounds like fun, she's always dancing around and how cute is that to see the little girls doing cheers? My friend Connie calls the cheerleading coach (her daughter Gina is 6 and a friend of Keelys') to get more info. Well you could have knocked me over with a feather when Connie called to tell me what cheerleading involves!
Here's the 411 on cheer $125.00 fee (includes 1 hair tie and 1 pair of socks!)$30.00 for cheer sneakers, $10.00 for briefs and $13.00 for bodysuit. Practice starts August 1st and you must have all this by then. There will be people to show you what you need and you can buy the sneakers, etc. right there at sign-up or wing it on your own and hope for the best. Practice is 10 hours a week for the month of August and is usually Mon.-Thurs. 5:30 - 7:30 p.m. now that adds up to only 8 hours so I'm not sure where the other 2 have gone to? In Sept. they can only practice 6 hours a week due to school being in session. There are 6 games 3 home and 3 away. Now all that practice is for 6 games? Football ends in October and there is one cheer competition they participate in but are not scored. What they attend a cheerleading competition and receive no score? I can handle it if they lose, what is wrong with this picture?
I think I will just sign her up for swim, that's every Sat. for 30 minutes and it's only $45 dollars. As they advance it's for an hour and then she can even try out for swim club which is still cheaper than any of these other sports.
Really I just can not believe the amount of money and time that these sports require. My sister who's in another school district which is totally a "sports school" couldn't even believe the cheerleading requirements. She said Kathy that's not right and here in Burnt Hills it's about being a student/athlete first not the other way around. Oh yeah and you need to bring in the childs report card from June, Connie said she's only 6 why do you need it? They told her you have to be in good scholastic standing for sports.
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| new hope at NY Presbyterian |
| 04.12.08 (10:02 pm) [edit] |
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Kayla has been cutting again! I don't know where she got the razor but she cut her left arm today. That poor girl. Her meds. are obviously NOT working. I keep telling her doctor this and he keeps ignoring me! Well no more. I have a big mouth and I'm going to use it for Kayla. Her new therapist Dana is great I love her she's kind of young and full of new ideas. She gets thing done. If she says she will call you she does.
Dana called New York Presbyterian Hospital for me last week to get some more information on how and when we can get Kay in there. Let me tell you it was like pulling teeth to get information for the secretary over the phone. She kept telling Dana to visit their website for more info. that was just stupid. I found their site by doing my own research, then I called NY Pres. and they said a clinican had to refer Kayla. When Dana finally pushed for getting Kayla in the girl said there were no beds available on the adolescent unit at this time. Dana said fine I'll keep calling back to check if one comes available and then she will refer Kayla. I have to get directions but I heard it's like 4 hours from my house. I think closer to 3 if Dennis is driving, which he will have to I do not like city driving. I believe this hospital in right in New York City not outside of town.
I am going to mapquest the address and see how long it takes to get there. Well I think I'll try Yahoo maps too Mapquest seems to take the longest routes and most time to get to a location.
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| cheerleading and Spring break |
| 04.12.08 (12:43 am) [edit] |
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The tee ball is a no go. Today I got a notice in Keelys' folder about Pop Warner Football/Cheerleader try-outs. Hmm...... what kind of commitment do they ask for? The fee for Cheerleaders ages 5-15 is $125.00 (that includes one hair tie and a pair of socks!)
Now if you knew my youngest you'd know that this is probably the way to go. Being the youngest and slightly spoiled lol you can imagine my little girl thinks she's a Princess and I for one really do not have to heart to tell her otherwise. She is constantly dancing around the house and also thinks she's a ballerina. I really think I will give one of the ladies on the Cheerleading squad a call and get all the information I can.
My niece who is now in her first year of college was a cheerleader in high school. The competition was fierce but she really enjoyed it. Nicole was tall and she got in right away because she could throw the smaller girls in the air and catch them. It's become a sport. Nicole went to New York City several times for state Championships, they even won medals for small school.
My kids are off next week from school for their Spring break. Oh joy, let's see if I can come up with some fun things for them to do to occupy all their time. When I was a kid we new how to play, not so today with all the technology kids are lazy. They don't want to go outside and ride bikes or play games like we did and quite frankly my kids along with my 6 nieces and nephews always needed to be told what to do and when to do it.
Me for one would say give me back the good old days when kids were kids, carefree and full of ideas and energy. My son could sit like a zombie for hours on that computer/internet if I'd let him.
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| tee ball too stressful?! |
| 04.10.08 (9:39 pm) [edit] |
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I signed my 6 yr. old up for tee ball. Well tonight was a "practice run" so to speak. Keely has never played before. I thought it was for fun. Way to involved for me. They have practice once a week, a game during the week Tues. one week and Wed. the next and a game every Saturday.
I asked coach Jamie what does she need? He said "sneakers of course and a baseball cap" when we get there these girls all have bats, a glove, helmets (a few girls didn't have the helmets)they all brought a water bottle it wasn't hot so I didn't even think to bring one for an hour practice game of tee ball.
Anyway after carefully thinking this over I've decided that tee ball isn't for us. 3 days of comitting to this and what if Keely doesn't like it? These girls were good, they were hitting without using the tee. Keely had to use it and still could barely hit it a few feet. I thought this was stress free and NO pressure?
Looks like I'll be signing her up for swim lessons. With swimming it's every Saturday for 45 minutes, not very difficult no stress there. Besides my oldest two can swim and I think it's important for Keely to learn to swim, especially because I can't - I know I'm afraid of the water.
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| kids,meds. and madness |
| 04.10.08 (1:25 pm) [edit] |
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So I went for my yearly check-up today. My doctor is great she listens to me, I really appreciate that. She said my blood pressure was good today! woo hoo it's been high when I'm stressed out which is almost daily.
Kayla wouldn't get up to go to school again. The school try so hard with her and I do everything I can for these kids all 3 of them but they have to give a little in return. Derrick has a psyc. appt. today - YES his therapist made it. She wants him back on a mood stabilizer. Let's try this again shall we. He stopped taking them 2 years ago and has refused them ever since.
I need a part-time job. If I don't get out of here for at least a few hours a day, I think I will crack. Dennis never wanted me to work. Oh well, too bad for him Keely is in school full-time so a part-time job shouldn't hurt anyone. If the school needs me I have a cell phone!
Tonight Keely starts tee ball practice! She's so excited about it. They practice once a week, have a game one night during the week and a game on Saturday. I hope she like it. :)
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| headache frOm hell |
| 04.09.08 (9:30 pm) [edit] |
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I'm not sure what to write about tonight. I have a horrendous (sp?) headache. Tomorrow I go for my yearly check-up with my doctor. I hope my blood pressure is "normal" it was very high the last few times I'd been in for sick appts., probably because I was stressed to the max. I always imagine that I'm having symptoms of a heart attack. My doctor had me go through some tests and they were all okay. I even was an in-patient on the heart unit just as a precaution really my EKG was fine but my pressure was high then too. The doctor really just admitted me to "observe" me and make sure that all my labs were okay, they would draw blood every 4 hours. Anyway I'm taking my Xanax now and it seems to be helping me with my pounding headaches. They went away for like 2 months and then all the drama with Kayla in and out of Four Winds Hospital and then my son taking over where Kayla left off. He's saying he'd be better of dead. Here we go again...............
The kids and I just got home from Derricks' Spring Concert. They taped it and my son thinks his teacher is going to put it on You Tube. Miss K is young and hip and she picks "cool tunes" as my son would say. They are playing the music from "Pirates of the Carribean" - love that music.
I'm going to bed. My sleeping has been much better. I can actually sleep through the night again. That's good news, even without taking my Xanax before bed. I used to stay up until 2:00 am or later watching You Tube. I get all my BBC movies on there - the full movies too. That's how I watched all the Jane Austen movies before they came out on PBS "Masterpiece Theatre". Be well everyone.
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| helpless and scared |
| 04.06.08 (9:26 am) [edit] |
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OMG was I scared yesterday! I took my youngest to a bowling birthday party. Fun right I mean what can go wrong at a 6 yr. olds birthday party? Plenty.
First off I'm friendly, I speak to people where ever I go stores, bank, doctors office I like people just like my dad. I seem to have a sign posted on my head anyway because when ever I am out in public people always talk to me if I don't strike up a conversation first. Derrick my son knows this first hand as it's been happening lately every time we go shopping (which is alot!) I love to talk and I love to shop!
Well most of the parents of the kids in Keelys' class are snotty, yup just plain rude and won't speak. I've been to several of these parties so I know the drill. Well Ginas' mom Connie and I have become good friends, she is nice and very down to Earth like me.:) Keels and Gina play together alot in school and out.
Yesterday we get to the bowling alley and this little boy Nick is screaming Keelys'name in the parking lot. She's like mom that's my friend Nick. He seems to really want to show Keels that he has a "Baby Bottle Pop" have you ever seen or purchased one of these little sugar monsters? DONT! Beware they are dangerous.
Nick was bowling on Keelys' team and I've introduced myself to his mom Tina she and I are getting along fine and finally Connie shows up late. I introduce her we are laughing and talking things are fine.
About 15 minutes or so into the game Nick comes up to Tina with his hands over his mouth, walking all bent over. She's like "what's the matter baby" and he doesn't talk or put his hands down, Connie and I are watching Tina moves his hands and he kind of starts to choke. She starts slamming him on the back. Connie is like OMG what do we do? I stand right up and say "he's choking, he's choking" everyone kind of looks at me doesn't anyone know the Heimlich manuever? I don't and wish to God I did.
This guy 2 lanes over comes over after I scream and takes over. He has had first aid training. Nick is fine thankfully, he swallowed all of that damn sugar powder stuff in one gulp. He clumped up and probably dried up his throat too.
Bottom line for me is I was scared and couldn't help that poor kid. I think I'm going to call the American Red Cross tomorrow and see about enrolling in first aid training.
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| tough love |
| 04.05.08 (10:03 pm) [edit] |
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I've taken several parenting classes over the years. Just lately I'm wondering why can't I get the results that we've gone over in class or read about in books? Are these people for real or am I just a bad parent?
Things are so different today than when I was growing up and I find it very hard to parent my son the way his therapist thinks I should. Dana wants me to negotiate things with Derrick! What negotiate, my parents did not negotiate they were the parents they set rules we followed them end of story.
I flat out refuse to negotiate things with my 13 yr. old son when he is giving me nothing but attitude, swearing at me or hitting his sister. Why would I consider giving him anything when he can do whatever he likes around here and not face a punishment?
I've had to take the whole tough love approach with Derrick and it's not easy for me at all. See there's a whole story behind all that but basically I feel alot of guilt that we ignored Derrick alot when we were always so busy keeping my oldest Kayla safe. She hears voices/sees things that are not there, she's a cutter, depressed you name it. Kayla has always had one crisis after another. Derrick has paid for it and I feel horrible like I've failed him.
He is such a bright boy. He was asked to join Natl. Junior Honor Society and he's only in 7th grade. He is in 2 honors classes and I never ever help him with homework or projects. Derrick does his own work. He is a perfectionist and very OCD. His room is so neat it's almost sterile. My son loves music and plays the violin and piano. He taught himself the piano. As for the violin he's so good he made Select Orchestra (that's open to the best players in high school orchestra) he tried out and made it. Now he's given up all interest in the piano and violin. He does not even practice violin at all - I could never get him to stop playing before.
For such a bright young man he just doesn't get it that he's heading down the wrong path. His mouth and bad attitude are going to be his downfall and I have been protecting him but no more. I'm not helping him by cleaning up his messes. I don't want him to be like my brother-in-law who is 39 and always in trouble, never takes responsibilty and always gets his mommy to bail him out!
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Buggsie's World
