Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2008 June
2008 May
2008 April
2008 March
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
|
| Derricks' gOing to NYSSMA! |
| 05.31.08 (8:36 am) [edit] |
|
I'm so excited for Derrick. Today is NYSSMA the New York State Solo Music Assoc. event (it's held every year) and it's an optional thing for kids, young adults who sing or play an insturment to go and play a piece (violin for Der) and scales for a judge, you then get a very lenghty report/score on how you did all areas.
Derricks' never had private lessons and I'm so proud of him because he's only been playing since 4th grade and he's now in 7th. This year will be his 3rd year plaing at NYSSMA and he's already a level 4! It only goes to level six which my niece Marissa plays and she's in 10th gr. and been playing since 4th with private lessons!
Anyway this year it's closer to home than last year. It moves all over NY State for all the participants, this year there are 3,500 participating in NYSSMA.
We are in for a nasty storm later this a.m., high winds, damaging hail and the like. We will probably just come home after NYSSMA and go see Kayla tomorrow. I try to go see her every other day. It's about 45 minutes to Four Winds from our house which is not too bad it's all driving on the Northway so it's a smooth ride just busy during the summer months with everyone heading to the Lake George, Lake Champlain and Saratoga.
|
|
|
| |
| Kaylas' pain |
| 05.29.08 (12:12 am) [edit] |
|
Kaylas' back in the hospital. She's been very depressed and would not get out of bed all day Saturday or yesterday. I mean she only got up once to go to the bathroom Tuesday and then around 2:00 pm to eat a bowl of cereal. Finally at 4:00 I heard Derrick talking softly to her about taking a shower and washing her hair. He was so sweet he said I'll pick out clean clothes for you and you'll feel better!
The voices have increased and really intensified for her too. I insisted to all the staff at Four Winds they need to get her off the Clozaril and get her on a medication that will diminish the number of these voice right down to just one if possible. One is bad enough but dealing with 10 or more people telling you to kill yourself of they will come to your house and kill you. Imagine the pain poor Kayla is going through. She has mild MR too so she's not able to really tell you exactly how she's feeling but you know she's in obvious pain.
Well I'm praying that this time Four Winds will get it right for my daughter. She's 16 years old and has never really had a day of peace or any kind of a "normal" life.
|
|
|
| |
| my uncles' "apperance" |
| 05.25.08 (4:59 pm) [edit] |
|
I had a very weird experience yesterday which caused me to think really hard about what I believe in. Dennis parents' were having their annual Memorial Day weekend sale and Derrick was working for them so I went up for the day to help out as well with Keely. Kayla stayed in bed almost all day as she's depressed again and later went over to my parents for the day.
There was a man that came to the sale and my first thought was OMG he looks just like "Uge" my deceased Uncle George. He was my second father Uncle George my moms' baby brother. He came to live with us for a number of years after his divorce. He has one child Michael who used to visit us and Uncle George regulary until he got married and now he has 5 kids. Michael does still come to the states to visit and he brings his wife, the kids and Aunt Fuji.
When Uge died that was more than devasting to me and my kids, as well as my mom and sisters. Uge was too fun, and full of life to go so quickly. He lived a good life though but he was not sick, he started to feel not so great at our annual family reunion July 4th and he was gone on December 20th, 2003. He had liver cancer. Now I have a strong faith and I know that when you die you will go to Heaven, hopefully if God forgives us all of our sins which I believe he will.
Anyway life really changed for all of us when Uncle George was battling the cancer and it was claiming him so quickly. My mom still is not really past this death and I have to say neither am I. I go to the cemetary very often with Dennis and the kids and I know that Uge is not really there that his Spirit is in Heaven but I always feel his presence at the cemetary. I usually smell his cologne just a bit of it in the air or his cigarette smoke but the kids smell it too it's kind fo comforting.
My Uncle ws a proud Veteran just like my Dad and all my Uncles. He was in 2 wars and he was truly just an amazing man in life. My Aunt Fuji and he remained friends until the day he died and she came over with Michael,his wife and the kids and my parents and I and my sisters, the entire family got together it was wonderful yet very sad. Mike, Aunt Fuji and the kids have been her 2 times since Uncle George died.
So what a shock to my system when I see this man at my in-laws sale who really could have passed as my Uncles twin. He had the same exact glasses (the lens' even got darker in the sun) like my uncles, he had on the same cologne, and 2 rings on his right hand like Uncle George wore. It was kind of weird, spooky too. Derrick and I were so upset/shocked that we were speechless. I had Derrick get my camera/phone and take a picture of this man from a side angle (I pretended to have Derrick take this pic. of a picture hanging on the wall for sale in the garage) this man was there for a LONG time he looked right at Denny - straight in the eye it was werid, he never once looked at me, Derrick or Keely.
This morning I went to look at the picture Derrick took - very creepy/spooky but the picture only shows like a yellow spot (the man had a yellow sweater over his white Polo shirt) just like Uge would have worn for golfing and the picture was like a cloud that's the only way I can describe it. I thought OMG I saw the picture yesterday that Der took and it was okay when we first looked at it. Today it's like distorted beyond a face? What's with that?
Well it may sound crazy but I swear that was my Uncle and he's like some kind of Angel in Heaven now. No I'm not crazy but I now believe in Angels and Spirits and I think they may pay us a visit to let us know we are still being watched over by them. I've read many stories (which I thought at the time were hokey) where people would say they'd seem someone who helped them from an accident, whatever and when medical personnel arrived the person was gone. I asked my mom if that could be true she said well I suppose it's possible.
Believe what you will but I'm sure my Uncle was here and now I'm wondering the purpose of his appearance? I will never doubt again.
|
|
|
| |
| an award and he was not even there! |
| 05.21.08 (11:33 pm) [edit] |
|
Tonight was the music awards ceremony at the high school and Select Orchestra as well. Derrick was never in Select until this year (it's mostly for h.s. students) so he did not know about this and when he was told about the awards ceremony didn't think anything of it. He just forgot about it.
Tonight Denny, Derrick, Keely and I went out to a nice dinner, Kay was at my parents. We get home after picking up Kayla and I play all my messages as soon as walk in Mare my big sis called and said "Kath it's Mare where were you tonight? why weren't you at the awards ceremony? You'd better call me I have something to tell you!" I'm fuming mad now as I know that Mare has been doing the whole orchestra thing with her daughter since 4th grade and she's now in 10th plus Mare had called me earlier and she knows how stressful it's been here. Why didn't she just remind me of he awards ceremony?
My mom called my sister and she asked where was Kathy tonight and my moms' like I don't know why,yada yada and Mare said well at the ceremony Derricks' orchestra teacher called his name because he got an AWARD! Then sis goes on to say well didn't Der remember? it's on the school calendar doesn't Kathy look at that?
Like I have nothing else to do right? I give up!
|
|
|
| |
| get help do not do anything stupid! |
| 05.18.08 (10:13 pm) [edit] |
|
Well I have alot to say but I'm not in a great mood so I had better not put down what's really on my mind. I've read some posts lately that have been very disturbing to me. I do not comment so I will not offend people however silence is not always the best answer.
My 16 yr. old daughter is a "cutter" I hate the term but that's what she is and does to feel something. Kayla is diagnosed schizo-affective disorder bi-polar type. Yes she hears voices telling her to kill herself DAILY not only does she live with the constant voices in her head but she also has visual hallucinations as well. Right now the doctors have her on Clozaril (which is supposed to be a "miracle" drug when it works) taking away voices. It does NOT work for Kayla but she's been on so many different meds. over the years her psychiatrist is not sure what to do with her next.
Suicide is a quick answer to a life long problem that is what my daughters therapist told me. I have a problem with the whole suicide topic because obviously it's disturbing and FINAL but also because I'm so afraid that is how I will lose my daugther. All I can do is pray that Kayla will be okay I can't live my life in fear anymore because it's crippling me. I have to help Kayla and the best way to do that at this time is to send her to Hamptonburgh House. They are trained to deal with teens like Kayla with severe mental health problems schizo-affective disorder, schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder.
Tomorrow Tara R. is coming up to our house from downstate to visit and get to know us and Kayla and see if she's a "match" for their program. Dennis is not down for this. He is not wanting to send her away for help. I don't want her gone from my house for a day let alone a year, however she needs this higher level of care right now. I pray for strenght because I'm fast losing faith in all that I once believed in. I'm trying to remain strong but's it very difficult.
Derrick my son is very depressed and stressed to the max. This situation with Kayla is very stressful for me and I'm an adult. Derricks' grades are coming down! He's lost all interest in school and give up his violin. He never smiles and he is always nasty and cranky. That's awful my poor Buddy he's only 13 he too deserves a better life than this. First Kayla and now Derrick! Why am I being tested?
If anyone is thinking about suicide out there please call someone a suicide prevention hotline, friend,teacher, priest just ask for help and don't do anything that will only hurt those who love you. Remember it solves nothing and only causes a lifetime of hurt and pain for those you leave behind!
|
|
|
| |
| when times are tOugh...stick tOgether! |
| 05.15.08 (10:20 pm) [edit] |
|
Monday the director of Hamptonburg House is coming to our home for an informal interview with me, Kayla and her social worker. Dennis probably won't be home he will not talk to me about this possible placement for Kay. It is only temporary just to give her help in dealing with her illness. Next we go to Goshen to visit and check the house out and then Kayla would stay overnight there. If they feel Kayla would fit in their program they are looking to take her in mid-summer whatever that means.
I feel kind of wiped out. I've been talking to all the doctors, social workers, mental health workers that I know and have worked with Kayla what they think and everyone says this placement is what Kayla needs. Why then won't Dennis even talk about this? It is not easy for me to even think about Kayla going almost 2 hours from home to live for one year! It's not like I'm giving up on her but rather getting her the best possible care and treatment she can receive. In the long run this one year will probably be the best year for her. Think of the confidence she will gain and all the skills she will learn living in this "home" like environment with all that support staff looking out for her and helping her.
She will be coming home for visits and we can visit her, call her. I can not understand Dennis and we've been married 19 years now. I believe that the harder things are the stronger we have to be and Dennis and I should be united and showing the kids we are together in this and we will see Kayla through this. Instead we are not talking or he talks to me but refuses to mention Monday. The kids therapist Dana called today and asked me what will I do if Dennis is not on board with this? I said well I guess I have to move forward alone with the kids.
I've tried to keep our family together so why does it feel like it's all falling apart now?
|
|
|
| |
| the party went well |
| 05.10.08 (9:53 pm) [edit] |
|
The birthday party for Dennis' cousin today went very well. She was surprised and you all know how hard it is to keep a surprise party a secret!
My mother-in-law turned her back on me and my kids when we walked in. I was the bigger person and went right up to her and said hello and gave her a kiss on the cheek. My kids kissed her and said hello. After that I went right around the room to everyone and said my hellos' then we ate and listened to music. The band was very good. Some people danced not too many though, I kind of felt bad that more people didn't dance but it's like a wedding you know no one wants to be the first one on the dance floor. Everyone really seemed to have a good time. Today the weather was actually very nice and the kids were so good they colored and did puzzles and games at one table and made Mothers' Day cards. After that they played outside for a long time.
My kids were tired tonight. No one fought me to go to bed which is a sign they really are tired! Poor Kayla heard voices today but I helped her to use her coping skills to get rid of some of them. She had a few moments where she became overwhelmed but that's to be expected.
Tonight though Kayla found a razor and cut her arm pretty badly. She said she just wants to die. I'm keeping a close watch on her and will be calling her therapist and psychiatrist Monday morning. I pray tomorrow is a better day for her.
|
|
|
| |
| changes,out the door -Den & Happy Mothers' Day |
| 05.10.08 (9:28 am) [edit] |
|
Today the kids and I have a birthday for a relative on there dads' side of the family. Oh what fun this should be. The only reason I am attending is because Dennis' aunt Jo asked me to go. I love her she's only 7 years older than me and she really loves Dennis and I and my kids. His parents and brother are mean and nasty but his Aunt Jo loves us and has a kind, generous heart so how could I say no? Well I did lol but she insists that I go for awhile. She did invite Dennis' mom and brother hopefully they will not show. She is really mean and bitter and doesn't even talk to the kids (her own grandkids) or I.
Derrick's school called me Thursday they are very concerned about him, his appearance has changed, he lied to a teacher, left class, is not eating, did not do a 2nd ET (essential task) for his Honors ELA class and this is all HUGE - not like Derrick at all. He also has given up playing his violin and did not go to his Spring Concert! His guidance counselor (Deb) was so concerened when she called me and told me all this that she asked if I would mind letting their school social worker Larry "assess" my son. He's a Crisis mental health worker as well at Ellis Hospital. She promised to call me Friday after Larry talked with Derrick and let me know if I needed to bring him to Ellis for a full pscy. evaluation.
I wait home all day - NO PHONE call from Deb! I called her and her secretary said "can I tell her who's calling please" I say sure Kathy Warren and she puts me on hold for 2 minutes, comes back and said "Deb is busy at the moment would you like her voicemail" no I would not! I called Derricks' private therapist Dana she will see him first thing on Tuesday but if I have any big concerns to call her anytime she's on call for crisis all weekend.
Kayla is back to talking about killing herself. It's been a horrible week! Really tough. Dennis is not supportive at all. We will not make it through this there is too much hurt and anger between us. I am just doing what is best for Kayla (placing her in Hamptonburgh House for a year) and Dennis can't get over his own guilt and anger and he threatens me that "if you place your daughter for a year, I will be gone!" oh well I finally give up trying to talk, reason and get him to LISTEN to me about what is best for Kayla, not me or Dennis but what is best for Kayla?
Listen sometimes when life is spinning out of control and you just can't stop it I believe you have to put a positive face on and say well I've tried everything I possibly can to help my daughter, it's not enough at this point. I can not live with this guilt so let it go. She is only going 90 minutes away from here. Yes it's for 1 year but she will be learning skills for life and living with 6 other girls who have the same problems as her all these girls have severe mental health illnesses just like Kayla. Hamptonburgh House is the answer to what's best for Kayla? Maybe now I can focus on Derrick and his depression and my beautiful little Keely who is only 6 and cries all the time and seems very insecure and sad all the time. The poor kid who can blame her? Life is difficult here right now and I can barely get through it and I'm an adult so how can Keely deal with this at the age of 6?
Happy Mothers' Day to all the moms' out there. I am so thankful to God that I have the most loving, caring and supportive mom/grandma to my kids out there. I love you mom and thank God for you and Dad everyday!
|
|
|
| |
| i can't believe it! |
| 05.03.08 (8:28 pm) [edit] |
|
Well next time my son tells me not to pick a movie I will listen to him! I watched "Bridge to Terabithia" sp? anyway what a joke, the damn movie made me cry! Here I need a good laugh a feel good family movie so I pick this thing and Derrick, Keely and I watch this thing and OMG I'm horrified that they kill one of the main characters the beautiful girl Leslie. This is a kids movie?
I'm more depressed then ever! Jeez man I have to go take a Xanax now! Keels was so sad and Derrick kept saying "oh she's not dead, she can't be dead, watch mom" and s.o.b the girl is DEAD. What is this? I need a pick me up holy crap. I think I've been scarred for LIFE!
|
|
|
| |
|
|
Buggsie's World
